Dawn Loves Buttercups

A recent group family outing photograph, allowed me to see the health damage I have been inflicting upon myself.  Allowing winter weight to pile on the pounds is my familiar “go to” defence mechanism whenever I am struggling emotionally.  It’s a pattern  deliberately (whether consciously or subconsciously)  I see myself absorbing when faced with emotions that  I don’t want to deal with.  Recent events including the passing of my ex husband and my nephew who was also my godson, coupled with other issues, found me turning to comfort food throughout this past winter.  Without the discipline of the gym and lack of exercise this strategy is so self destructive and yet I know this has been a pattern in a greater part of my life in my search to find a way of coping. 

It’s almost as if I am trying to prove to myself that “of course you are un-loveable, you behaved badly and you deserve this outcome “.

I strive everyday to be better, but clearly I have not been honest with myself to face issues of guilt over those deaths.  Yes me, a trained bereavement counsellor!

Far better to bury it all under layers of fat, thus proving to myself and others that I am indeed unloveable and I deserve this self inflicted pain.

Why do I do it? How do I break this pattern of self destructive behaviour, knowing all the while how unhealthy both physically and mentally such familiar “comfort” this is.  It’s even more bizarre since I know what I am doing and why, yet I still walk right back into my tried and tested self defence.

It’s clearly self defeating and I am aware of what I am doing, so why then am I surprised when I see pictorial proof of such self destruction?

I have a dear friend, a psychotherapist,  who has watched me do this over the last year or more and who knows me well, yet I have not dared to ask why.

How do I break this pattern in an otherwise content and reasonably happy retirement.  I am not shallow about looks, but concerned about my health in this issue.  This is because not only did I see the damaging results in the photographs, but almost 12 hours of travelling to and from, plus walking around London all day, my poor body was crying out for relief as my legs and ankles became swollen and hurt.  There were times on the journey from London Bridge walking to the tube station to St. Pancras and then walking from our destination to the car that I felt I could not walk another step.  When I said I walked miles yesterday, I was not exaggerating.  This poor little apple shaped body on legs had to shift my 15 and a half stone around London in the sweltering 29°c heat.  Will I ever learn at 75 this is not healthy for neither mind nor body as I inflict upon myself more self loathing and weight struggle. 

And so as I bare my thoughts, I know seeing them here is cathartic and authentic and at the same time I am this early morning crying at such stupid behaviour which I know can shorten the years I have left. 

On the other hand I do have a normal happy disposition, I have a heart full of positivity and gratitude, as a therapist I am trained,  and caring for others comes naturally to me.  Yet here I am not caring for myself!

I do not like what I see, because it’s proof that I still believe after decades of conditioning, that I am unloveable.  Therapist, heal thineself!

If only,  it was that easy.

Wednesday 27th June 2024 7am